Scientology gave Tom Cruise superpowers.

Scientology gave Tom Cruise superpowers

Ok. Just hear me out. I know with a title like that you’re already saying “oh crap, Mike’s finally lost it.” I assure you I have not. Nor am I becoming a Scientologist because I’m simply not rich  or crazy enough. But again, hear me out....

Scientology gave Tom Cruise superpowers. It totally did. 

Let me back up and explain a bit before I really go off the deep end.

You all know that I love movies. And despite his obvious psychosis, I like Tom Cruise. The man has done some great movies, Rainman, The Last Samurai, Interview with the Vampire, the Mission Impossible series, Collateral, A Few Good Men, you get the idea. Point is, I like the guy. If he’s in a movie, chances are I’ll at least give it a shot. People say he’s a crazy Scientologist and I’m just like, “yeah I know, but he’s a good actor, and he’s probably gonna do some crazy ass stunts.”

Which leads me to the superpowers.

Sometime in the early 90’s is when Tommy boy became a Scientologist. Prior to that time, his movies were more drama based. Risky Business, Color of Money, Cocktail etc. 

Scientology enters the picture and boom, Mission Impossible. Now I know the man doesn’t do ALL his own stunts, but he does a majority of them, and as time goes on, he apparently does even more, and they just keep getting crazier.

That iconic scene in the first M.I when he’s hanging from a cable and lands like an inch away from the floor? No cgi. He really did that, even hit his face on the floor a few times and they had to use makeup to hide the bruises. 

For The Last Samurai he spent months training with Japanese sword experts so that he could do all the katana fights in the movie.

For the Jack Reacher films he studied Krav Maga.

But it’s the last few M.I movies where he REALLY upped the ante.

If you haven’t seen them, spoiler alert.

Aside from various crazy running scenes where he doesn’t take any camera cuts and just straight runs, or stuff like him swinging down a zip line or carefully walking across a small building ledge, here’s the crazy stuff.

In Rogue Nation, he hangs on the edge of a military cargo plane while it takes off. He was strapped to the door, and the plane only flew about 100 feet off the ground, but it’s not like that wouldn’t FREAKING KILL HIM IF THE CABLE SNAPS. But this maniac sees this scene in the script, “Ethan Hunt gets stuck in the door of the cargo plane, and it takes off while he holds onto the outside of the plane.”

And he goes “Yup, I can do that. Get the harness ready.”

But wait. It gets better. 

There’s an underwater scene where he has to break into a safe that’s submerged in water because of course it is. The scene is about 6 minutes long, with NO CUTS. 

This crazy bastard, held his breath, FOR 6 MOTHERFLIPPING MINUTES.

Did you read that??? If I hold my breath for 30 seconds I’m gasping. This crazy son of a beesting, decides that he WANTS to film this scene, so he worked extensively with a former navy seal/diving specialist in order to train and learn how to hold his breath for the entirety of the scene. Try holding your breath for one minute right now. I’ll do it too. Ready? Go.

...... I hate it. I don’t know if I even can do a minute.

And now, in the latest movie, Fallout, there are two crazy things that I know of. I’m sure more madness will come out when the movie is released, this is just what I know from the trailer and one little behind the scenes thing they showed.

First, there’s a scene where a helicopter is carrying a big crate on a cable. Crazy Cruise is on the crate, and has to climb into the helicopter, WHILE IT IS FLYING. Now of course, he’s tethered to the cable, but Jesus tap dancing Christ the man is still climbing up a cable that’s swaying around because it’s attached to a FREAKING HELICOPTER.

Second. This madman breaks his ankle while filming a scene. He has to jump from one roof to another, the gap looks to be about 7-8 feet. Now, he is supposed to miss it, and smack against the wall with his hands on the ledge and then pull himself up. Which is exactly what he does. However, his foot landed a little awkwardly on the wall, and snapped. Snapped, broke, busted, as in, screaming pain good god I just broke my ankle, stop filming and get me to a doctor.

No. He doesn’t do this. He instead hauls himself up, continues running to finish the scene, then has them put a boot on his ankle so that he can continue filming and they just film around it.  

So. What is the point of all this? I honestly have no idea. I just sat down with my iPad trying to think of something to write, and here we are with a whole damn thing about Tom Cruise. But still, this is some pretty good evidence that Scientology gave him superpowers. He went from simple court dramas, to hanging from helicopters and holding his breath like a dolphin. 

I don’t know what else it could be if it isn’t superpowers from Xenu himself. 

But seriously. Scientology is some whacked out nonsense, and it all seems like a giant money scheme. I’d love to know more about it, no not in a “I want to join them” way, more of a “this is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, please tell me more, no you can’t have my money.”

Unless they tell me that they’ll give me superpowers like Tom Cruise. Then it’s all aboard the crazy train for me.         

Alright, well that’s enough fun for me. Thanks for indulging my own madness. 

Until next time:
Enjoy life. Just remember to work it off the next day